I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
