My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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