best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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