worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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