$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
