I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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