So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
