haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My hand turned me down
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
