you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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