i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize