meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
