i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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