and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize