So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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