Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
