You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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