no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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