Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
