the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
