Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
