we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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