be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
