I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
