...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
