I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
