I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
