I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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