if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
