My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
