saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
