Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
