look no pants
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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