She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize