shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
