my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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