Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
