Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize