Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
