Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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