Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
