My liver just broke up with me...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
