My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
