If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
