Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So much rum. So many feels.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
