I am full of burrito and curiosity
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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