my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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