We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize