if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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