Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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