Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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