i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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