Will you blow on my dice?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
