the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
