Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
