Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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