My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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