I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
